Because it's my baseline

My work fluctuates (I've been really busy this short week). My life fluctuates. My diet fluctuates (not much time for meals). My schedule fluctuates. Everything about my life seems to be scattered through the calendar. Family here, there. I want to paint, I need to clean. I work. Watch sporatic TV, movies. Obsess about the club. Obsess. My one constant, my baseline is that I know I'll ride today. To get to work. To get work off my mind. To think. To relax. To go hard. To smile. To fly. I ride. Like I sleep...

Sigh. And I love it.

Why do I ride?

Mostly, I ride to train. I ride because I race. I took the weekend off from racing to attend my family reunion. I didn't race the Proctor Classic, much to my own dismay at the time. Saturday, in a women's category 4 road race, a racer was hit by a truck. I won't give details I don't know. You can read about it here.

I still get chills. My heart hurts for her family and friends and teammates. I think about any close call I've had or seen on any ride. I think about how nonchalantly we all suit up and head out on road rides and races. How dangerously I've seen riders take corners, blow through intersections, cross yellow lines. I think about it with a lump in my throat.

I've asked myself all weekend why I ride. Do I still want to? I have such a sick feeling about it.

I could fall down stairs, be in a car accident or whatever. There are millions of dangers involved in just living and I can't live in a padded box fearing catastrophies and germs. My ultimate conclusion is that I will ride and race and train. Just like I have been; but with a heightened awareness of consequences. I will ride and think about a girl I didn't know.